Saturday, May 4, 2013

Unintentional Hiatus Playing Golf with Vampires

To all of my (nonexistent) fans out there, here goes sorry #10. It seems like out of 11 posts, I've had to apologise 10 times, mostly because I have the ability of a five year old on meth to a) remember that I have a blog; b) actually stop studying long enough to enjoy my life and write something (even for people who probably don't exist); and c) recall that this is not academic or legal writing so I can drop all the curse words I want to (shit, bugger, fuck, for those of you who have seen and enjoy The King's Speech) and actually write about things that don't make me want to shiv someone or throw something at a wall.

As of the past week, my life has turned into a caffeine-fueled hell. This is because...finals are here. Ah, yes, that time in every student's life where they turn into a tyrant whose parents tell them not to call until at least one of their finals are done, a narcoleptic who has food in the apartment but is too stressed and exhausted to take the time to make it and usually ends up ordering in, and a maniac who shouts at Wal-Mart employees when they ask if she really needs three types of chips. (To be fair, I did apologise profusely once I actually heard what I had said). Although in answer to the Wal-Mart employee's question, yes, yes, I really did need three types of chips. I hadn't eaten in two days and it was chips or die. Ok, die is being a little extreme but you know what I mean! This is the reason Heath can't be too far away when I live alone and don't have roomies to remind me that food is good. I forget to eat and then all sorts of crazy-eyes things happen.

Heath is what has kept me from not going insane this weekend. He has sent me pictures of our babies, Gizmo and Dexter, sitting on his chest. He has helped me study by video call...and ps, listening to me babbling about a Assignee Landlord's Duty to the Assignee Tenant and whether that duty includes paying back a security deposit that another tenant made to a different landlord should be on everybody's bucket list of things to never do before they die (ps- it doesn't. Unless that answer is wrong, and then, well, shit, I just got 1 out 10 questions incorrect on my exam- awesomesauce). He is quite literally the best man ever and is totally wonderful even though I can be a wee bit crazy, a lot bit quirky, and a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes. Luckily I have found the only man in existence who finds that a charming and endearingly odd, rather than a terrifying, combination. He is the best part of my day and makes me smile and laugh and just outright happy even when things suck and I'm fairly certain that I've failed out of law school. Don't know how I could have done this without him.

On a brighter side, I have a job for the summer that I'm unbelievably excited about and I get to spend the entire summer in the same city (hell, in the same house!) as Heath. I will be working with Texas City Mental Health Public Defender's Office, a job that coincidentally and wonderfully falls right into my field. It's lucky that nobody can see my victory/happy dance because...well, because I look stupid when I do it, that's why.

Changing the subject completely, I have been spending a lot of time with 30 Rock recently because it's one of the best things for me to have on in the background while I study. Mostly because I have seen each season about eight times and so don't have to watch it carefully to enjoy it. For those of you who haven't seen it...for the love of god, watch it. It's so much fun and, believe me, if you are a food-loving, slightly awkward nerd, you will identify with Liz Lemon. If you have watched it and didn't enjoy it...well, everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess. I do, however, think that it's one of the best things since Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets. (Also if you are a 30 Rock-er and didn't get the Tracy Jordan reference in the title of this post, then dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family!...just kidding!)

The reason that 30 Rock resonates with me so much is not because I'm a lonely 30-something woman. It's because Liz Lemon represents the everyday woman. I mean, with the exception of the fact that she has a multi-millionaire friend named Jack Donaghey (who is played by Alec Baldwin, y'all, can we just talk about how amazing that is for a second?) and works as a writer for a TV show. I mean, besides that.

Now that I have returned from that tangent, Liz Lemon is like all of us simply because she's not superhuman gorgeous (she's pretty, but she doesn't make me want to freak out in a jealous rage that she's prettier than I am), has an unhealthy obsession with food, and one of the quirkiest senses of humour that I've ever seen. She's just a lovable nerd like all of us who has "nerd rages" and tends to flip tables and threaten people when they take her food.

And then she has a lovable group of self-proclaimed nerds who work for her, including my much-loved Pete Hornberger, Frank Rossitano, John Lutz, and Toofer (also known as James Spurlock). Pete Hornberger has a long-standing title as my one balding crush, simply because he has one of the most adorable personalities on TV. He also lied to his wife about getting a vasectomy, has four (?) children, three of whom like to hang off of him as the fourth attempts to bludgeon him with a clarinet, and may have joined a fight club to feel alive. And apparently he and his wife have some freaky thing going on involving the rubbing of Poptarts upon various areas of their bodies. It's odd. All in all, he is completely absurd and I adore him for it.

Then there's Frank, Lutz, and Toofer, who are just one of the better supporting casts of all time. Frank has a new hat everyday and a penchant for heavy, way older women. He spends most of his time mocking Lutz and Toofer. Lutz mostly because he is a unbelievably awkward guy. He has a creeper crush on Cerie, their very scantily dress secretary who believes that bras are unnecessary when you have naturally perky breasts, but also has a tendency to try and hold Frank's hand. On top of that, he's just...doughy. It's not that he's overweight (which he may be, I'm not really sure), it's just that he reminds me of the Pillsbury Doughboy, as terrible as that sounds. Like if you poked him in the stomach, he might giggle. And then there's Toofer. Toofer kind of irritated me because he's kind of pretentious. The episode he won my heart was when he was analysing a Quidditch match during a hockey game. His exact words, and I quote, were, "But my biggest problem with Quidditch is, if the Snitch is 150 points, why does anyone bother with the Quaffle?" How can you not just simply adore him after that? Also, he is quite handsome.

And then on top of the crazy that is the writers, there are Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan who are actors that are just damn crazy. There is no pretty way to put it. Jenna Maroney believes the answer to most things is to kill it or ply it with alcohol. To be fair, that has been my response to most things in the past few weeks. Except instead of alcohol, I ply myself with cake. She and Liz were best friends before they started TGS (at that point called The Girlie Show) and she drove Liz nuts with her way theatrical antics. It's also not unheard of for her to soak her tampons in vodka or use vodka in her humidifier. To add to her crazy (and paranoia, because of course, he's trying to take her job...yeah, that's right) is Tracy Jordan. Tracy is a special guy with some very special mental health issues. When we first meet him in the pilot, we discover that he has run down crowded highways in his underwear waving a light saber, slept on Ted Danson's roof, and bitten Dakota Fanning on the face. Later, we discover that he tried to stab Conan O'Brien while on the air, sees a little blue furry thing when he's having one of his episodes, and tries to emulate Spiderman when his meds are interacting oddly. He's fun and quirky and has a really sad background that for 20ish years, he just shoved down. When he reacquainted himself with his past, he earned an Oscar. Then tried to go crazy again so that he could enjoy his life. Also, he gave the best, potentially most nonsensical advice of all time which was "to live like every week is shark week." Together, these actors make Liz Lemon and Pete Hornberger's life hell.

And I saved the two best for last. Andromakennethamblesorten Ellen Parcell, or just plain Kenneth, and Jack Donaghey. Kenneth is an ever-cheerful page who is a slave to both Jenna and Tracy who just loves TV so much and doesn't want to let the "peacock" (NBC) down. He's taken for granted but when he's gone pretty much everything at TGS kind of falls apart because absolutely nobody is organized. He's a downhome boy from a tiny, terrifyingly hick part of Georgia that never re-became part of the Union (I'm sure there's a real word for that, but it's late and I'm tired and I can't remember what it is). He's part of a church that is run by a pastor who is heavily implied to be a pedophile. He also has some really ass-backwards ideas about what women should be doing in the world (ps- his no-no words list for TV include quite a few words that are all about 30 Rock) and is pretty convinced that women go to dog heaven (which is actually women hell). We're also pretty sure he's ageless and has been alive since 1789. He's a special boy.

But not nearly so special as Jack Donaghey. Jack Donaghey has programming experience, business savvy, and the piercing blue eyes of a Siberian Husky. And even though he is extremely conservative, he's attractive, confident, and a multi-millionaire. Definitely wouldn't say no to him based just on his political agenda. He's is the head of NBC who dreams of being the CEO of General Electric. He's snarky, chauvinistic, and a bit arrogant. But he's a good friend and his mentorship to Liz, which blooms into a long lasting, epic-ly open, loving friendship, is one of my most beloved friendships on television between a man and a woman. They're even each other's emergency contact. And even though I am ecstatic that Liz fell for a nice (hot!) guy, there is a little piece of me that seriously loved Jack and Liz together. They were the best friends that you just desperately wanted to get together in that tiny, deep down part of your soul. However, the 30 Rock gods knew better than I and did not do something stupid like marry them to each other. That would have been ill advised.

This is my ringing endorsement for 30 Rock. Sure, it's a little crass and sometimes they use black face and make off-colour jokes. For the past seven years, though, I've watched it and absolutely adored it for its wit and, if not class, then just outright snark and cleverness. It's fun and quirky.

For now, though, it is time to close and figure out what my next "procrastinatory" post shall be on. In the meantime, have fun and enjoy the sunlight (world) and lack of law books (exams) in your life for me! Harley Quinn out!